WOZUP

I'm temporarily on www.agypsy.wordpress.com (don't ask how temporary)

And I know I need to reset the template for this again! So what if I don't use this anymore... it deserves respect!!!

January: A road trip with family... after a long time, revisiting places visited as a child, seeing them with adult's eyes and wondering how on earth I remember so much.

February - Goa. A short weekend of beach, sun and much needed bliss and a getaway from the craziness of Bangalore and the attacks on women and all that (sheesh seems like a century ago!)

March - Umm... My birthday. I know it is supposed to be a big big deal. but somehow, it didn't seem that way this time. I wanted a quiet dinner with some friends and even that turned out to be damp with all the ego clashes and people's busy schedules. But all's well when there are your two best friends and a big glass of wine.

April - Amnesia

May - Time for old friends, falling a little bit in love and long drives. Not gonna elaborate on that. Go back and read my blog if you wanna understand

June - More amnesia.

July - Amnesia continues. Incredibly drab months!!!

August - And now good friends start getting hitched too. Engagement of a really close friend. The first ever.

September - Australia. Visa. Tension. Traveling to Hampi on a train - finally! Fabulous train trip and horrible fever, wondering if it could be swine flu. Visits from old friends, nostalgia. Seems like the most happening month.

October - Goa yet again. Disaster strikes.

November - Yet another engagement. Fun. Dancing. Throwing Up. Planning for Australia.

December - Australia. And thank god the year is over. Drab it was!!

2010 better be better!!!

There isn't the whole excitement of the new year this time. There is definitely relief that 2009 is over, cuz quite honestly, the year sucked. Nothing happened. Actually that was the problem - nothing happened.

And I am hoping that 2010 will be a lot better. And maybe it will... because I realised several things. Not just like yesterday. Just over the course of the past couple of weeks, all coming to a head since yesterday. So i'm just gonna write them down as and when it flows through my head.

1. Indian women are a lot more conscious about their bodies than women in the West.
- I don't really know why this popped in my head but it did a few weeks ago when i was watching a few teenage girls at a subway station in Australia. Generally teens are quite loud and noisy and fun but girls are a little more reserved than the ones abroad. yeah one might argue, not so much anymore... but considering majority of India's population still lives in non-metros, my statement still holds. Hell, even in Metros we are cautious. Any woman who's taken the public transport can vouch for that. I remember this Polish friend of mine who lives in India telling me that she sometimes gets conscious about what she wears and how she walks on a busy street because even if she's wearing a skirt that's demure by most standards, she still gets ragged on the street.

2. I miss having a group of friends.
- I have a lot of friends. I have pockets of them. But I miss having that one solid group who all hang out together and you unquestioningly know that you belong, that you do things together. It is a part of growing up i'm told... which brings me to my next realization

3. I'd rather be Peter Pan and live in Neverland.
- Yeah all of us want to. But I realised that there is something to that instinctive decision making. The adult way of thinking things through, weighing the pros and cons and all that... too full of shit. I mean you can only assess the probabilities... and those are as good as any. So while you are at it, why not assess only what you want to do and do it?

4. What I really want and my ambitions are countering each other and I have no fricking clue what to do about it. So I'm gonna do what people have been accusing me of - just do it, even if some call it hiding.

5. So i've been accused of this 'hiding' thing for a while now. And I'd eventually come to believe it. But I was going through some emails - I like to do that sometimes - and I realised that I never really thought about it as hiding. I was simply trying to find what fits me the best and making the best of a situation. I did date some lousy guys, I did shop a lot and I partied quite a bit. There was a reason for the last one - my friends were too busy in their new relationships - but the rest... I was not trying to buy happiness in a store and the dates... i was NOT trying to find mr.perfect or mr.right or whatever that is. I didn't have time for a relationship... so i was just hanging out with some people I met. If that was defined as dating, so be it.
But then I hear people saying 'oh but this is not good' so somewhere it seeps into my head that this is not good. So i start feeling guilty, bad and miserable and stop doing whatever that it was doing and then I've all the time to think, so i feel more miserable. So I completely lose track of what I was doing.
Is making the best of a situation till you can figure a way out the same as hiding?

And as I realised a little while ago - you don't realise you are living in between all that you are doing right now. I am living. And honestly, maybe I will look back to this and think this was life too but it was a miserable couple of months because I forgot what i was really thinking. The happy go lucky, let's take it as it comes and i'm just cruising feeling.. I miss that.

6. I miss just having fun... the dating fun (yeah yeah i'm not done yet)
- You turn 24 and the alarm clock starts ringing and it screams "marriage". Even though you do not want to enter that game, you start thinking about it cuz everyone around it talking about, asking you about it or doing it. So then you look at a guy and don't think 'hey he's fun and he can talk' but you start thinking 'is he the one' which completely screws up your mind and your focus. Because even if he is the one, there are so many other things that aren't in place. And if he was really the one, I believe you wouldn't have to think about it and the other things just fall into place. We just fucking put too much pressure on ourselves.

7. Making resolutions is complicated.
I don't have one particular thing to make resolution on like 'i will not drink anymore' or 'i will not eat junk food'. cuz a) my will power is plain zero when it comes to will power and i shall not do that to my self esteem b) I don't drink that much anyway.
But if I had to make any on that abstract scale - I guess it would be ... I will not make any more explanations to people about why or what I do. They don't understand it half the time anyway
And i will stop worrying so much about a 'relationship'. I would like being in one but i'm just going to break that alarm clock cuz hey it isn't time for me yet. Not for marriage.

I do wish we could all be kids. But things are changing... people are getting married and that is a whole change. My closest friend since school who still does love me and all doesn't call anymore. her focus is her to-be-husband's family... vacations are planned with them, weekends are for them, phone time is for them when she is at work too. I will never understand the complete loss of self because i spend so much of time trying to figure out all the parts of me because to me sometimes, it is essential to know who you are (even if it is a fluid concept) to be with others completely.

Then again, as a friend said, we spend so much of time looking for ourselves that... well, i lost the rest of it. But she did say that we look for ourselves in things... which I don't... But I do need certain things around me to remind me of what i am. To reassure me. Maybe her policy isn't mine after all. I am not in anything but everything I did shaped me somehow. And i do know that sometimes... it is important to let go and not have to be defined. I just gotta remember that.

So that's pretty much the realizations for now.

Except for my new realization that I like Entourage. As i've said, I always catch sitcoms a year or two after their peak. So I just finished Season 1 and I quite like it. It isn't as depressing as Grey's Anatomy, it isn't all laughs like some other stuff people keep mentioning or as gritty as Prison Break... I would call it the guy version of Sex n The City but it isn't as desperate or as old. Well, actually nobody here is looking for love... except maybe E. Is it a depiction of guys or Hollywood? I don't know..don't care. I don't like the main guy so much - surprise surprise - but he's tolerable. selfish, sweet, loyal and egoistic - he'd be the kind of guy i'd date and his best buddy, Eric, is the kind of guy I dream of. Lol.

Here's to an interesting, fun and better 2010.

I somehow thought that the airport security was already high up there, what with all the terrorist scares and stuff we've had. Infact, this time when I was flying, I sorta made little travel packs so i wouldn't have to suffer at security checks by removing half the contents of my backpack and all of that. But somehow, this time it was the smoothest possible check ever. As I told my friend, either they've upgraded to realllly high-tech stuff or it was the worst possible thing I have ever gone through.

For one, you know how they say put all the liquids and gels in one clear plastic bag. I had forgotten this small vial of eye drops in my outer pocket. Which didn't cause a bleep. And I thought that was a little weird because a couple of years ago when I was flying, my lens case was outside that pack and they'd made me take it out and checked if it was really what I said it was. And now, this being an international flight, they didn't give a shit. And this was not just in India, where we usually complain about lax policies.

As for the Detroit-plane scare, shouldn't it have set off flags when the guy didn't check in any bags and paid through cash? And he got a one-way ticket. A very economical bomber. Why waste money pretending to come back and buying a return ticket when you know you will either be blown up or you'll have all your tickets henceforth paid by the government.

I thought with all the fuss about security these days - these would be the first things people would've taken care off. Along with the fact that those scanners will be replaced by something more stronger. You mean to tell me that all these days people could've taken past things that they check-in because they are responsible citizens? And those aren't can just get away with it? I find extremely funny for some reason.

A while ago.. a friend and me were wondering how the baggage section operated in airports. we were watching Blow Up, where Johny Depp uses air hostesses to smuggle drugs. And we thought another way would be to just check in the luggage, have one guy inside the airport who would just switch those bags with empty bags or something. And then we thought na... there will be baggage screening and stuff when you go in and you can't detect all that. People have become wiser. but apparently not.

One of the concerns i've been hearing now is the privacy issues. Health - I get. Privacy... I get that too. But maybe I shouldn't really think about it. I mean I know that guy watching my bag go through the scanner learns the general contents of my purse better than I do... so he'll know if i carry two deodrants, 4 lip glosses and such. Which, one could argue, is an invasion of privacy. But I don't think about it. I find it a little fascinating to see those images passing by.

I just do not understand how this happened. I've had people pull me up for carrying a big nail file. But honestly, the times when people used guns to hijack planes are done and over with. Now they just smuggle in a little explosive and blow up the plane. You perhaps don't even need lighters for it... pour water on some chemical and boom.

How do we keep up with this? Do we find ways to beat them every time... cuz like someone said - we need to beat them everytime but they just need to win once.

I realise I've been horribly naive in thinking that least the airport security was up-to-date. and if those people who plan to blow up things believed that too, we cud all live in peace. unfortunately, they are not that naive.

3 hours for a movie that took nearly 14 years to make. And it is 14 years and 3 hours well spent.

Honestly, the first time I saw the promos for a movie called 'avatar' by Hollywood, I rolled my eyes. Blue people jumping around on screen and all non-Indians saying 'avatar' in that weird way... sorta turned me off. But by the time the movie released, I'd heard Cameron's name and the history of the movie.

And once I watched it, I turned into an Avatar groupie.

The movie is super-fabulouso. The story does start off with another boy-meets-girl spiel. But you gotta remember that the boy who meets the girl is completely from another planet. And the girl is no ordinary girl. And all this happens on another planet. And that puts a whole different spin on the story.

What makes the movie special? The effects. It wouldn't have just been the same with a slightly plastic Pandora in the background with neon lights glowing instead of that slightly radiant spot where the people stepped. Or the expressions of the people which were as real as humans. The whole message of the movie would've been lost. They might be different but they are still us.

Probably watching it in Australia added a new dimension to the movie - particularly when they use the words 'indigenous'. People have never been nice to the others when they've had better guns and something the others wanted. And it has never been pointed out so well.

The white man invaded lands and offered a new religion and roads that those people did not want or need. He forced it on those cultures, stating he was superior because... of reasons nobody understood. Yeah many other cultures did that but recent memory goes back only so far. And that is still happening... superior countries and cultures are invading the others for things they have... oil, minerals and whatnot.

The movie is littered with phrases that jolt something in distant memory - "fight terror with terror". "drive them out with minimal damage to the indigenous". "we offered them roads, medicines, education but they said no." "hurting the indigenous looks bad but a bad quarterly report is worse".

Were these phrases intentional or did it just flow with the script? I don't know. But they do resonate with what is happening today. The movie reminds us of all that we are destroying. The planet, the environment, various beautiful cultures and customs which refuse to streamline into the main ones... the sheer diversity which enthralls us when we read about it.

And if you don't give a damn about any of those messages (yeah it does get a little overwhelming and I didn't think of all of that the first time I watched it either), just go watch it for the effects, for a great story, for the joy of watching things blown up on screen (though if you don't feel a little sick at that by that point... it is a little worrying), and watch those gorgeous blue creatures. See the cocky soldier, the big beasts, the beautiful hunter who is so smooth, so graceful... she has this grace which is animal-like and light... and you can see him slowly go from a bumbling idiot - "you are like a baby!" - to having nearly her cat-like grace and stealth. I envied her litheness... and her accessories.

And maybe when u watch the next time, you can say "I see you".

Travel time... most updates on my travel blog - www.inditraveler.wordpress.com

I've been dawdling the whole day. Woke up late, had a late bath, wandered around the nearby streets, walked a couple of kms or more... and reading a novel that I really really hate as a challenge. And I'm just avoiding that one specific fact that I have to get done tonight - pack. You know those fold up the clothes, put it in the bag, check your passport and all those things. Make the checklist. But zilch!

I'm just sitting here thinking I like the thought and the shape of a lemon pie but I actually hate the taste of it. I'm thinking about all the gifts I've bought for the various people and wondering if that was merely an excuse to indulge my shopping craving. I'm thinking about how the burst would've gotten over at work and what people would be doing right now. I'm thinking that it is just a thursday and in a little more than a day I will be on my way. I am thinking a lot of things but I'm not thinking about that one real important thing - I need to pack.

What the hell is wrong with me??? Is this some subconscious urge telling me that I don't want to go?

A few more hours for vacation to start. Finally. Three months ago I had it all planned... the vacation, the route and everything else. Right now, I'm not too sure.

This trip isn't like the other trips... and I can't quite put my finger on the reason. Is it because there are other issues on my mind, making me wonder if i should cancel this trip? Is it because this is a trip "back"? Or is it because I'm going to be with friends but not with friends (that requires more explanation than i've patience for)? I don't know... but there is a lot of nervousness, more so than the usual.

I debated canceling the trip... something so rare. Regardless of rains, floods (literally) and fever, i've braved trips. And i've enjoyed them. And this one might turn out to be as great as all those others but i'm just... nervous.

This year has been a year of revisitation. Goa - numerous times. Hyderabad. Mysore. And even a couple of other one-day trips. And this is the grand finale. The trips for most part have leaned on the not so great... or maybe they are just about even between great and not so great. The question is... would it be wise to cancel and save the money or should I just say to hell with it and jump?

I spent the last 48 hours running around for eye tests. Doctors like to scare people, regardless of their specialization. Like one doctor put it - if we don't scare you, you will not get treated. Like I've some death wish. And so as a part of curing me, he had to put some drops into my eyes that required me to close my eyes and just sit there. I can never sit still for long when I'm awake. And this was middle of the day, in the centre of the hospital.

My mom was by my side, holding my hand. I could sense light through my eye lids. But I wondered... what happens if I did go blind? I'd rather die! I cannot imagine being dependent on others, never being able to see the colors of the ocean, the light of the day or even who is calling on my cell phone. There are things that will make your life easier. Grooved keypads, announcing the name of the caller, voice commands and more. But still... the lack of control you have is terrifying.

They say that other senses get sharper when your one sense is muffled. I sensed no such thing. I was aware, hyper aware of people around me but I could not sense it when someone was close, who was it or any such thing. The hyper awareness sprang only from fear...

I didn't really mean to philosophize. I've had enough to hospitals and people poking at my eyes in the past two days. The only verdict in the end was - stay of contact lenses. Ugh. Doctors. Morons.

It is that time of the year again. My niece's birthday. I have begun to hate shopping for kids birthdays or gifts of any sort. I do not want to gift girls barbie dolls and boys Spiderman figures. And something in me also stops me from gifting boys barbie dolls though I'd gift my niece Spiderman.

How does this gender definition enter our minds anyway? I really thought I'd be cool gifting everyone dolls but I realise I am not. I don't like Barbies... I did beg my parents for one when I was about 8 but that was more because everyone else had it and my collection of dolls from all over the world lacked a blond stick. My dad got me some great stuff from around the world and they weren't too uptight that it would just stay in the plastic cover. I had my share of crying dolls and all that... and kitchen sets too. My brother had his share of... well i can remember those nasty, noisy guns, which to be fair, even I owned.

But I just do not want to gift a kid a doll. Something in me just protests strongly at such... gender generalization. And in those huge toy stores, I can't think what else is remaining that is gender neutral. I cannot imagine 5-year olds sitting down to play a board game... she is too much a firecracker for those sort of things.

I'd bought my nephew a remote car that even my niece went gaga over but this time I went with a board game *cringe* and a Tom&Jerry CD. The game was promptly discarded, as expected and both of them plugged in the CD right away (yeah kids these days can handle complex home theatre systems that my aunt still struggles to figure out) and were hypnotized by the cartoon figures chasing each other.

So that's one birthday down and my status as the fun person is still intact. I guess I'll miss these days when she's 14 and asking for my perfume and nail polish. Or maybe she will do a turn around and really not give a damn about that and be a biker chick and I'll miss the girl who thinks my hoops are funky and boots simply rock. Whatever way it goes, i will miss the kid. Raising a kid right is a minefield.